Original Feature | March 2016
As a therapist, I have had the unique experience of being able to be a listener to stories of relationships, from many of the women in my circle in the mental health field. I am always willing to lend my ear but I try to limit my advice (as I should), with the exception of applying Dialectical Behavior Therapy in my approach to being their active listener. The central theme amongst my women friends who are in the mental health field is what I have dubbed subtle abuse. The definition of which for me is: The abuse that creeps up on you subtlety until you are completely engrossed in the role of the abused, and you don’t know how you got there. Obviously, this is not a new concept but as mental health providers' there is at times a lack of self-awareness and care for oneself. One thing I have noticed amongst the women in my social circle is that those who work in the mental health field have the hardest time accepting the subtle abuse for abuse. We are activated women, we have compassion for others, and as caring and astute women there are times that we neglect the self.
I have found six collective themes in these conversations of subtle abuse and I would like to address them through narratives. The themes are as followed:Psychological Abuse, Fear of Rejection, Shame, Isolation, Honeymoon or Recovery. Non-Judgmentally focus on the following and take note of what comes to mind as you read over them.
“He won’t pick up the phone when I call him. I feel like I can’t breathe. I have told him over and over again that this makes me sad and I don’t know what to do. I have called the police station. I am calling him from different numbers and they ring through but he has blocked me. I filled his mailbox up and now it is empty. I know he has gotten my messages but he won’t call me back. He told me he would not do this to me anymore and he is doing it. He knows this makes me upset, I just need to hear from him. I don’t know what I have done to make him hate me like this, what is it about me that make men treat me this way. Why can’t he just say he does not want to be with me, tell me I am not good enough and I can move on? I feel so stupid. I just want to go in the bathroom and cry. I have to hit myself so that I can’t feel the pain in my chest because death feels better than this. I can’t even sleep.This is my fault if I was not such a needy person then he would not do this to me.I have left him nice messages begging for him to forgive me for whatever I have done and call me. He texted me he lost his phone again this weekend. I know it seems like every weekend, but he said that he is sorry and he will not lose contact with me without getting word to me again. He will come over.”
Were you able to name the different forms of subtle abuse?
“I want to work things out for the baby. He was cheating on me the whole time and I was pregnant and I just found out. I can’t believe he would this to me. When you don’t have children, you can’t understand what this feels like. I can’t believe he told everyone that I was not a good in bed, that I can’t cook and I can’t dress and he did not want this baby. I cannot leave because my family will be upset, they are already mad that I chose to have a baby by him out of wedlock. I can’t believe that I am going through this. I pay for everything and he does not feel that he needs to help me with money. He bought me this new bag and watch. I am moving him in because it will be good for my child. I don’t talk to anyone because no one will understand. I have gained weight and I just want to stay at home. If I make plans he will get mad and not let me go out, or say that I am not a good mother for wanting to leave the baby with a sitter. He can go out and do what he wants to do. He pushed me down the stairs with the baby in my arms. He is cheating again. I can’t do this anymore. I called my family and the police. I had the locks changed and a restraining order placed. My child deserves more.”
Were you able to stay non-judgmental?
These two stories occurred over time, a lot of time. Both stories evolve on the Merry-Go-Round of unhealthy emotions and subtle abuse.
These are women who I would consider strong women, multi-ethnic, with higher education, who work in the mental health field. Helping other women in abusive relationships on a daily basis, or both of them they would, and have said they did not feel (at the time) they were in abusive unhealthy relationships. They both have said they did not know how they had gotten to where someone else could break their self-esteem, as well as they felt it had diminished. When dealing with the self, it is easy to feel like you are a failure regardless of previous success in life when you are in an abusive relationship. Unrealistic goals for oneself that you cannot amount to at any point in time is detrimental to your psyche. We cannot as women “be all” for someone else and nothing for ourselves. Fighting to have someone see you as you see yourself is highly detrimental, at some point we either change our behavior or we change our belief.
One way to think about applying DBT in this framework is to apply the Wise Mind concept. I ask them questions to elicit them to answer with a logical and emotional mind. Relaying your smart mind (what you know) and your hurt mind (your problems) together, you can then think logically about what is causing you distress. I have consistently asked my friends to be able to tell me why. I want them to be able to feel the subtleness of the abuse, be mindful of the why, what and the how of it. As your Wise Mind starts to take back control and you gain more self-agency and self-awareness then it is easier to say that you decline his or her invitation to SPIN on the Merry-Go-Round of Subtle Abuse. Without judgment of self, being kind to yourself, and putting your experience into words, feelings and then practicing the change. Remembering that many deep rooted issues take time and patience to change and we as friends, co-workers, healers, and listeners have to take the time to just be present and non-judgmental. As care providers, we have to consistently work on self-care, allowing us the ability to be present for those we care for.
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Myia C. McClendon | Marriage & Family Therapist
Myia C. McClendon is a Marriage and Family Therapist Registered Intern with the state of California. Ms. McClendon has an M.S in Counseling, Marriage, Family, and Child Therapy, and B.A. in Sociology and African/African American Studies. Currently, Ms. McClendon is working in County Mental Health in Northern California as an Adult Outpatient Therapist; for clients dealing with severe mental health problems, crisis management issues, domestic violence, substance abuse, and wellness and recovery groups. You can find Ms. McClendon on the following social media platforms