Original Feature | March 2016
A word on the "slut-shaming" topic that is trending surrounding the Kim's, the Amber's, and the social media phenomenon we live in today.
For the last 13 years, I have been dedicated to creating POSITIVE change in the way that I perceive myself as a woman, the way I perceive other women, the way women perceive one another, and the way men and our overall society and culture perceive women. This is important, hard, never-ending work that always presents room for growth in knowledge through research and cultural changes over time.
With that said, I'd like to emphasize the word "shaming." It is clear that no matter what women are doing, whether in the media or within your own circles, we are always being shamed for something especially regarding looks. I don't look at this as a liberal or conservative issue, this is a mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical HEALTH issue that is destroying generations of women from the past, to the present, and I fear, for our future.
Throughout history, women have been objectified and hyper-sexualized. What does this mean, exactly? In short, women for centuries have been identified as "objects," that is, items that can serve as beneficial or helpful to none other than men. Many times, this comes in the form of performing sexual acts and offering men sexual pleasure. As a result, the standard of beauty that has been so carefully (and carelessly) sculpted by our society's culture (primarily by none other than who? Men) has infiltrated our every thought, feelings about self and others, and let's be honest, even our purchases. Even over the past few decades, the standard of beauty or a woman's "attractiveness" has evolved. Perhaps we can think back and recall the days where the "ideal" woman's body type was thin and stout, then evolved to tall and rail thin, which now brings us to our current culture that glorifies exaggerated derrieres and breasts. Sadly, those in the media who are likely to set the beauty and body trends have the means to alter their images while we, the average women who range drastically on the appearance scale, go to great lengths to even attempt to achieve the images we are fed. Further, it seems that no matter what we do, no matter how much we come close to reaching the facade of the standard of beauty, we are still shamed, insulted, and objectified.
What is most disturbing to me, especially as a Christian woman, is that so many use the blanket of religion or personal faith to shame women. Let's get one thing clear, the mission of followers of Christ are to bring others closer to Him, as you are, and let Him, through His love and guidance, along with other believers to comfort and guide (not judge) people through their journey of being a believer. I see posts even on my Facebook feed filled with underlying or blatant shaming using the concept of modesty to equate with how acceptable one can be in the eyes of Christ. Please, I ask you, think about the concept of "shaming" before you post or speak on anything. If Aisha Curry wants to keep her body for herself and for a husband, props to you girl. BUT, if a woman chooses to dress in manners you do not necessarily "approve" of, I want to tell you it is not your place to judge her, or shame her. EVER. For the Meagan Good's who were shamed at a faith-based event for showing her breasts in a magazine, it is not your place to decide if you like her, or anyone, based on that alone. Do women have a standard, especially in the church? Sure. They also have a standard in the workplace, as mothers, as leaders, etc. There are standards everywhere, and while I can understand them to some extent, they are also very critical, demeaning, and surprise, shaming in many ways.
Stay with me. Before you draw your own conclusions about how women choose to present themselves, ask yourself, why do I choose to present myself the way I do? There are reasons for this, and only you would really know.
It seems our automatic thought when seeing a "revealed" woman is to think she seeks attention or has low self-esteem. But, what if, (which is true in so many cases), a woman has been abused, or shamed, or battered, and has stayed covered by baggy clothing, living in fear, or, has battled with her health that have kept her hidden, and little by little, she has decided to wear a little more of a sexy skirt, or wear sleeveless tops?
Or, what if a woman chooses to dress in a "revealing" manner because she IS seeking attention? Either way, YOU DON'T KNOW. You may dress modestly because you feel you will be more respected at your job, within your place of worship, OR you may dress modestly because you fear judgment from your family, or abuse from your partner (verbally, emotionally, or mentally). YOU DON'T KNOW.
What is the point? It's not just slut-shaming, it's shaming. Period. And it needs to stop. How do you do this? Get to know her. Get to know her words, her history, her fears, her triumphs, her successes, her dreams. See HER, all of her. Don't minimize the uniqueness of a woman's beauty that GOD intended Himself.
There is nothing like a WOMAN. Be good to her, be gentle with her. She may carry so much shame, so much fear, everywhere she goes, looking over her shoulder wondering if she will be attacked, or hollered at, or ignored or overlooked, or disrespected. YOU DON'T KNOW. It may be beautiful to actually see what happens as a result of your genuine connection with her. This woman may grow to see her light shine a little brighter, she may want to buy a sassy dress and wear it with her head held high! Or, she may want to trade in her minimal clothing for new attire to go apply for a job she never believed she could have. It's not so concrete, this topic of dress and outward presentation, but I hope the message of seeing her, all of her, is communicated at most.
Lastly, for our little girls: I DO believe that we need to protect our young girls from our hyper-sexualized culture (note: there is a difference between being a sexy adult woman vs. being hypersexualized and objectified by men, our society, for profit, for gain, pleasure, and the like). I do believe we need to instill in them their power, uniqueness, worth, intelligence, strength, wisdom, motivation and desire to be and do whatever they choose on this earth. I ALSO believe we need to be careful to not instill fear or shame in them when it comes to beauty. Girls are NOT only worthy for their beauty, but it does not mean we should take that away either. Tell them, you're beautiful, AND smart, AND a great athlete, AND great at math and science, AND a great writer, AND a wonderful friend. Tell her she is ALL of this and more. We want to raise up confident, whole, kids. Understand that age, cognitive developmental understanding of what are adult choices vs. what are child/adolescent influences are very different things.
Understand that no matter what age, what ethnic background, what traumatic events you have had as a girl or woman, you are beautiful, worthy of joy, healing, success, peace, and love.
Cultural Inspiration Contributor | Wk. 2
@solsistersorg | @solsischris
Christine Shayesteh | Mental Health Clinician | Marriage & Family Therapy | Make-Up Artist
Christine combined her longtime passion for creativity as a makeup artist with her experience as a mental health professional to found Sol Sisters Inc. She also currently serves as a school-based mental health therapist in the Mission District while studying for her PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy. She teaches Zumba in Lower Pacific Heights and enjoys photography, concerts, food, and dancing.